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Joe Wellman is a freelance writer and person in Des Moines, Iowa. He likes riding his bike, listening to music and making short lists of things he likes to do.

A tagline? For shoes? Easy. Let’s do it.

Illustration by Shane Swinnea




Move Around Some

In Shoe We Trust

E Pluribus Shoeum

We Hold These Shoes To Be Self-Evident

Look For The Black Swooshes!

Look For The Black or White Swooshes!

Look For The Black or White or Red Swooshes!

Get Consistent

Get Sweaty

Complete The Task

Complete The Task Immediately

There’s Not Much Time, Therefore: Get The Whole Nine Yards And Fast

There Are Two Types Of People: Satisfied Nike Customers And The Deceased

Nike For President

Read My Lips: Nike For President

Embrace Activity

Execute Body Movement

Stop Hesitating: Now

Adopt An Active Temperament


Live Life…

Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of you’ll do as your told.

Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

Honey, your father and I have been discussing this for a while now, and we’ve reached a decision. It’s a pirate’s life for you.

We’re just doing what we think is best. Schools will be COVID-ridden this winter and will likely shut down at some point. We’ve seen you struggle with online learning. We already lived with you and your various teenage antics 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in this household last spring, and have no intention of doing it again. So, we’re sorry, but it’s a pirate’s life for you.

We realize you’ll be leaving all…

Photo by Sara Kurfeß on Unsplash

Greta Thunberg has a little sister and she is being publicly chastised by American conservatives for having an opinion. (Likelihood: Somewhat Likely)

The “she’s 12” hashtag has been hijacked by Indonesian sweatshop owners in an effort to troll humanitarian groups calling for an end to child labor. (Likelihood: Likely)

A picture of a 12-year-old girl grinning in joy as she hula-hoops has gone viral without controversy. (Likelihood: Somewhat Unlikely)

Folks are civilly debating the merits of paying for the stomach surgery of an aging female cat. (Likelihood: Very Unlikely)

The Weeknd has put out a new single about falling in…

I got inspired

If you want to make six figures like me, you can’t just sit around waiting for it — you’ve got to get out there and see what other people are doing. Find some figures that speak to your preeminent mood-state so you can create your own. If I was going to make six beautiful figures that would shock the community, I’d have to challenge myself by studying figures I’d never seen before. I needed a rush of adrenalin — one unrelated to the fact I was out of food again and would have to steal some to make it through…

Horror stories from the Great Obsession with Crocs.

Via Freepik
Via Freepik
Via Freepik

Kid: “Mom, why do Grandpa’s eyes look like chicken nuggets that fell asleep in the oven?”

Mom: “Honey, Grandpa spent a lot of time on Facebook looking at pictures of Sonic The Hedgehog before they knew it would make your eyes look like that.”

Kid: “Mom, why doesn’t Grandpa have all his fingers?”

Mom: “Honey, your Grandpa did carpentry, then metalsmithing, then cutlass juggling outside a taco truck, then married a wind turbine, then cut off his thumb with a spork to qualify for a mortgage on a shitty condo in Venice Beach.”

Kid: “Mom, why does Grandpa have to…

Joe Wellman

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