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Honey, your father and I have been discussing this for a while now, and we’ve reached a decision. It’s a pirate’s life for you.
We’re just doing what we think is best. Schools will be COVID-ridden this winter and will likely shut down at some point. We’ve seen you struggle with online learning. We already lived with you and your various teenage antics 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in this household last spring, and have no intention of doing it again. So, we’re sorry, but it’s a pirate’s life for you.
We realize you’ll be leaving all…
Greta Thunberg has a little sister and she is being publicly chastised by American conservatives for having an opinion. (Likelihood: Somewhat Likely)
The “she’s 12” hashtag has been hijacked by Indonesian sweatshop owners in an effort to troll humanitarian groups calling for an end to child labor. (Likelihood: Likely)
A picture of a 12-year-old girl grinning in joy as she hula-hoops has gone viral without controversy. (Likelihood: Somewhat Unlikely)
Folks are civilly debating the merits of paying for the stomach surgery of an aging female cat. (Likelihood: Very Unlikely)
The Weeknd has put out a new single about falling in…
Kid: “Mom, why do Grandpa’s eyes look like chicken nuggets that fell asleep in the oven?”
Mom: “Honey, Grandpa spent a lot of time on Facebook looking at pictures of Sonic The Hedgehog before they knew it would make your eyes look like that.”
Kid: “Mom, why doesn’t Grandpa have all his fingers?”
Mom: “Honey, your Grandpa did carpentry, then metalsmithing, then cutlass juggling outside a taco truck, then married a wind turbine, then cut off his thumb with a spork to qualify for a mortgage on a shitty condo in Venice Beach.”
Kid: “Mom, why does Grandpa have to…