Horror stories from the Great Obsession with Crocs.
Kid: “Mom, why do Grandpa’s eyes look like chicken nuggets that fell asleep in the oven?”
Mom: “Honey, Grandpa spent a lot of time on Facebook looking at pictures of Sonic The Hedgehog before they knew it would make your eyes look like that.”
Kid: “Mom, why doesn’t Grandpa have all his fingers?”
Mom: “Honey, your Grandpa did carpentry, then metalsmithing, then cutlass juggling outside a taco truck, then married a wind turbine, then cut off his thumb with a spork to qualify for a mortgage on a shitty condo in Venice Beach.”
Kid: “Mom, why does Grandpa have to…
A tagline? For shoes? Easy. Let’s do it.
Nike:
Go
Scram
Move Around Some
In Shoe We Trust
E Pluribus Shoeum
We Hold These Shoes To Be Self-Evident
Look For The Black Swooshes!
Look For The Black or White Swooshes!
Look For The Black or White or Red Swooshes!
Get Consistent
Get Sweaty
Complete The Task
Complete The Task Immediately
There’s Not Much Time, Therefore: Get The Whole Nine Yards And Fast
There Are Two Types Of People: Satisfied Nike Customers And The Deceased
Nike For President
Read My Lips: Nike For President
Embrace Activity
Execute Body Movement
Stop Hesitating: Now
Adopt An Active Temperament
Weee!
Live Life…
Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of you’ll do as your told.
Honey, your father and I have been discussing this for a while now, and we’ve reached a decision. It’s a pirate’s life for you.
We’re just doing what we think is best. Schools will be COVID-ridden this winter and will likely shut down at some point. We’ve seen you struggle with online learning. We already lived with you and your various teenage antics 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in this household last spring, and have no intention of doing it again. So, we’re sorry, but it’s a pirate’s life for you.
We realize you’ll be leaving all…
Greta Thunberg has a little sister and she is being publicly chastised by American conservatives for having an opinion. (Likelihood: Somewhat Likely)
The “she’s 12” hashtag has been hijacked by Indonesian sweatshop owners in an effort to troll humanitarian groups calling for an end to child labor. (Likelihood: Likely)
A picture of a 12-year-old girl grinning in joy as she hula-hoops has gone viral without controversy. (Likelihood: Somewhat Unlikely)
Folks are civilly debating the merits of paying for the stomach surgery of an aging female cat. (Likelihood: Very Unlikely)
The Weeknd has put out a new single about falling in…
